Friday 24th September 2021
At the beginning of this week, I decided to conduct an experiment.
I was finding that by focusing on my writing, secondary tasks (like some household stuff) was just not getting done. And whilst I’ve felt my writing can be a bit of a struggle during the pandemic, the stats show I’ve been pretty consistent across the big picture.
So, the idea was to switch things around. I’d focus on the household items for a week, and see what impact that would have on the writing. I went into it very open minded but what I wondered was whether I’d naturally just get words done.
Behind all this is a little frustration. I build productivity systems for a reason. They don’t control me but they are designed to catch me when I fall. They’re a safety net to ensure the important things get done. When things are going well, I don’t use them (or rather – I have a very light touch). When things are tough, I lean on them more heavily. The net result is that things still get done.
But during the pandemic I’ve found myself relying on them more and more. A good system will ensure things get done, even if you yourself don’t feel productive. But for me they have always been that safety net and now I find I have a reliance on them.
Now this might be nothing. It might purely be that because I’m worrying about it, I’m just making my own situation worse – like a rash you constantly pick at rather than leaving it alone and letting it heal – but it really bothers me that I have to rely on my systems so heavily. Will that ease as we move into a post-pandemic world or has my brain been rewired to become reliant on them.
At the same time, some stuff isn’t getting done. Yes, it’s the secondary stuff. We all have those jobs that need to be done but aren’t desperate. And yet, they’re getting to me. I feel overwhelmed, out of control, and I know 90% of it is in my head.
I’ve had a week where I’ve effectively turned off my productivity system to focus on some other stuff. And I don’t feel I’ve accomplished anything.
I have friends sharing memes where they say doing nothing is OK. And yes, I get that. We don’t always need to be insanely productive. But creation is visibility to me. I don’t care if people see what I create or not (although that can bother me at times). If I’m not creating… what am I doing with my life?
Whether it is terminal illness in friends and loved ones, the sense of mortality caused by the pandemic or my own internal frustrations, I feel annoyed that all these ideas and things in my head are not physical words on a page, data on a hard drive. I have so much I want to do, I know what I need to do, and yet, even allowing myself time for rest and relaxation, I just don’t feel I’m making a dent in it. And that’s despite evidence to the contrary. I have stories I’ve completed this year, data on words written and edited… and yet still…
Next week the focus goes back on the writing, but I still have a load of secondary work to do. This week might have been focused on things around the house, but I don’t feel I’ve been productive on those either.
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