Post Pandemic Social Anxiety – The Climb #908

Wednesday 18th August 2021

On Friday I’m giving a workshop at this year’s Fightcamp. It’s a privilege to be asked and I hope it opens the doors for future training options. After the pandemic postponed the event for a year, I thought I’d lost my chance but I was asked again this year.

I like teaching. I think I’m pretty good at it. Once I get over my initial nerves, I find myself able to wing most of a lesson. In the past, I’ve even scrapped a lesson plan and produced something new on the fly.

And yet, I’m bricking myself over the workshop.

On one hand I want it to go well. I want people to leave feeling that they’ve gone away with new practical skills that has upped their sparring. I want them to tell people, and get more invites to teach as a result. The club in Swindon has been put on hiatus for a couple of years but it’s still the aim.

But I’m rusty. I’ve not done any swordfighting in over a year and I’m completely out of shape. I tell myself this is my before, so everyone can say how much I’ve lost the next time they see me. But I am nervous. I do feel my health has gone backwards and if I have any regrets about the pandemic it is not being able to get into the mindset where I could exercise at home.

I’ve not seen people in 18-20 months and this weekend is primarily about reconnecting with people. I was very tempted to just go up for my class and then come home. I managed to talk myself out of coming home Saturday and I intend to spend a lot of time reconnecting with people.

But there’s social anxiety there. I’ve not been anywhere in over a year. This is my first event in more than 18 months with people. Part of me wants to run over and hug. Another part wants to stay 2 metres away. This is part of my process of getting back to normal but the adjustment is going to be harder than I think. And what if they don’t want to socialise with me? Part of me feels like it’s just me that’s excluded myself when we’ve all been apart. I want selfies with everyone. I want to chat late into the night. I want to rekindle those friendships. But what if others don’t feel the same way?

And finally there’s anxiety about the workshop itself. You never know the pace of learning of your students. Go too slow and you’ll bore them; too fast and you’ll lose them. You prepare 2 hours of stuff and then only use half of it. Or you find yourself half an hour in with nothing more to present.

I went over all my notes today, changing a few things around. At SOTS we then to do layered approaches and I wonder if I’m making everything far too simple and layering it too much. On the plus side, when I aired this worry on Facebook, I had a load of instructors say they are the same.

I have an exceptionally busy couple of days ahead, and I am really looking forward to it, but if I said it was without anxiety, I would be lying.