Tuesday 12th December 2017

To understand how I’m feeling today is going to take some explanation.
As I mentioned yesterday, I’m feeling very run down due to my tournament on Saturday.  This is general fatigue and I’d feel like this whether I won or got beaten by everyone.  I felt I fought well but was surprised when I didn’t make the quarter-finals.  By my calculations I had done better than a friend who went through.
I’d been particularly worried about doubles after Wessex Bath so I’d been counting those as I fought, wincing at every one.  This is where competitors hit each other exactly the same time.  By my calculations I got 2, one against a pair of competitors.
I asked one of my friends who was responsible for the points scoring software to look into it.  It was too late to amend anything should there be an error but I wanted to know what had stopped me progressing simply so I would know for future tournaments.
They came back and said it was my doubles.  This surprised me as my friend who went through seemed to think he had a similar number of doubles to me.  They cause deductions to your overall score, and whilst they might be responsible for causing me not to progress, given that my friend who progressed had a similar number,  he shouldn’t have had any advantage to me.
But I was told that against one competitor, I had not one but two doubles.  I don’t believe this to be true.  After all, I was watching for them like a hawk.
Could I have been mistaken and had more doubles than I thought?  It’s certainly a possibility but only in that way that people say “it’s certainly a possibility” when they want to seem polite.  In truth, I’m as certain as I can be that my recollection was correct.
Yet, I know to add a double in the software takes conscious effort.  Now I don’t think for a moment anyone did it maliciously, but they must have thought there was a double when there wasn’t one called.
Now nothing can be done about this, and as low as I am at the moment, other than not getting another fight, it shouldn’t have any consequence.
Except…
If I am right, and I only got the one double and should have gone through to the quarter finals, then, no matter the outcome of my subsequent fight, I would have gotten three more points in the league… and would have taken 3rd place.
And if I wasn’t feeling low from the fatigue, I’d be disappointed and feel utterly miserable, but I would have eventually picked myself up and vowed to carry on.  But I am already low and this has just devastated me.
People can say it’s just a tournament and these things happen and not to take them so seriously… but I’ve fucking worked for this.  I’ve trained and trained and trained.  And to have this happen… whilst I don’t blame anyone… is a gut punch I just don’t feel I can get back up from.
It’s stupid, and I keep telling myself that, but it doesn’t stop the fact that I just want to cry.  All that hard work, all that sacrifice, all that training… and it just currently feels like it was all for nothing.
So I’ve been kind to myself.  I had a friend come over and we watched The Force Awakens.
But I just don’t feel much like swordfighting currently.  I’d planned to take this week off as a rest week but honestly, I’m currently lacking motivation and wondering if to just take the rest of the year off.
I’m sure I’ll get over it eventually, but I just feel so devastated right now I have no idea when that will be.
If you want to follow more of my journey, then be sure to check me on my social channels.  Likewise, if you’d like me to expand on any point mentioned above, please say so in the comments.

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