Friday 7th April 2017

The issues with the day job that I talked about yesterday put me in a strange mood today.  As a result I got very little day job work done.
It also had the knock-on effect on my writing as well.
I had a big Amazon delivery arrive today.  I got a protector for my vlogging camera’s display.    I put that on right away but cursed I didn’t think to get a filter for the lens to protect against chips.  I also got a new gorillapod-esque tripod so that I can use both my vlogging camera and video camera to shoot multiple angles at once.  And finally I got a couple of LED camera lights that I hope to use to help me light scenes.
I did actually shoot some footage today; I’m just not sure it’s good footage.  I’m not sure if it’s down to my mood, being outside my comfort zone or a little of both, but I found myself questioning what I was doing?  A more logical me would have said that was a sign I needed to be doing it, but today I was questioning whether I did enough interesting things to warrant a vlog, whether my presentation was upbeat enough without being fake, and how I’ll ever shoot outdoors without looking a complete tit.
And that’s the problem with being in this strange mood.  I’m being negative and all that does is keep me from doing things.  It’s so easy to convince yourself that something will fail, that it’s a stupid idea, that you’ll look a fool.  I vowed this year to be much more positive.  I mean, if the room’s on fire, it’s on fire.  But if there is a glass with half the amount of water, my philosophy was to start saying it was half-full rather than half empty.
I think there’s a lot to be said for a bit of positivity.  I’ve truly felt so much better for embracing it. It’s got to the stage where I’m truly thinking of dropping the negative people I know online.  All they do is moan and act cynical, and whilst that’s fine in doses, they are nothing but.  I now find people like that really draining.  I’d much rather surround myself with positive people.
But then there are days like today, when I’m not so much negative, but being positive is a bit more of a struggle.
To get me out of my funk, I bought ice cream.  I’ll regret that tomorrow when I weigh myself and find I’ve gone up 3lb in weight.  When I do, I’ll only have myself to blame.
I played some more Star Wars The Old Republic.  I’m not sure why I’m playing it as I really don’t like the level design.  Warcraft has had a new patch out for a week or so and yet I’ve not played that, despite knowing I’d enjoy it more.
Perhaps that’s the point?  I know subconsciously that if I play SWTOR I’ll get bored and log off.  But if I play WoW I’ll lose my evening.
Mind you, I’ve done that today.  I’ve watched an awful lot of Youtube videos across today, and whilst it’s been quite chill, it’s done nothing for my productivity.
It’s especially annoying when I had a long think today and came to the conclusion that the next couple of weeks is when I really need to start to step up.  I tried to tell myself today that we are entering the final strait of this two year rewriting journey, that in a few short months I should know whether all this work has been worth it.  It looks unlikely I’ll have to do another rewrite, which means we’re into line edits and then… ?
Perhaps that’s the scary part.  Perhaps that’s the moment I find out whether my belief in myself was well-placed or misguided.  It just seems so far away.
I think that’s a fault I sometimes have.  I’m so focused on the now that I don’t get chance to look up and re-evaluate where I’ve come from.  I do find that whenever I have a serious bit of validation, that initial euphoric high wears off and I have the same sort of downer you get at Sunday 7pm after you’ve had a blinding weekend with your friends.
That’s one of the reasons I’m looking forward to Eastercon.  I’m not on any panels this year but  just catching up with people will do me good.
I’ve also got the anthology which a friend told me is going to be of a very high standard and that I need to up my short story game.  I do think I’ve actually got a story idea and as the day’s progressed I’ve refined it to the stage where think I can make something subtle and beautiful.
I did manage to squeeze in 1000 odd words at the end of the day.  I’ve now started on the big action scene and I think because I’ve been planning it so much over the alst couple of days, it’s proving an easier write than I thought it might.  Maybe that’s the lesson here:  action scenes need more planning.
My weekend plans are to write lots.  I’ve possibly got a board gaming evening but it goes on until late which means I won’t get home until gone 2am, and then have to be up for sparring a few hours later.  I also want to get more accustom to vlogging, even if I ultimately don’t use the footage.
However, I think I might rise late as I plan to go to bed, listen to some music and just mull a few things over in my head.
If you want to follow more of my journey, then be sure to check me on my social channels.  Likewise, if you’d like me to expand on any point mentioned above, please say so in the comments.

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