55th In The World – The Climb #282

Monday 30^th October 2017

My results from the weekend got put into the world rankings today and I’ve moved up two places to 55^th in the world. I’m happy with this. I always knew Reading would be a tough tournament and as I mentioned on here I was expecting to drop a little, so to go up two places is great.
It’s progress, and given that my target was the top 100, this is all additional bonus.
In much the same light, I’m really looking forward to Swordfish in Sweden at the end of this week. When I went a year ago, I knew that I’d probably lose every fight. I went to get an idea of what I was training for. This year I go to see how far I’ve progressed.
I’d like to win one fight, but I’m prepared to lose them all again. People say I’m capable of making the final 16 but I think that’s more down to chance than skill so whilst I’d love for it to happen, I suspect I won’t. It’ll be a shame as it’ll break my run of quarter-finals or better.
But who knows? I actually hope I’m in a group of death (i.e. a pool with all the toughest competitors) as my aim is to get as much experience as possible.
Last year’s swordfish was where everything came together for me. With the world’s best fighters in competition the pressure is such that it makes some people, it breaks others. For me, it made me… I found my focus and although I lost every match, I feel the experience caused me to grow as a fighter.
I came away from it knowing that my defence was world-class and that I’d found my calm on the piste. I came back from that competition, after a summer of disappointment and frustration, and then entered a competition a week or so later (purely so I could test whether my new found focus was a one-off thing or something longer-term) only to take silver. It was Swordfish last year that I realised I needed to work on my offense (and hence the birth of the year of the offense)
So Swordfish this year is a benchmark for me. It’s for me to go and see how good I am. It’s almost like the start of a new fencing year for me, as I’ll come back from Sweden with an idea of my plans for 2018.
I’m excited, not feeling at all nervous (although I’m sure the butterflies will come), and feeling in a good mental headspace.
The only thing that’s really suffering is my body. I was so slow in training tonight due to the fatigue I’m still feeling from the weekend. I feel like those times when you wake up after a long sleep and don’t feel rested at all. Still, I’m partially glad I went to training. I learnt some great new techniques that I think would work well for me in future fights.
But it’s not all good.
I’m having an issue where I’m being gaslit by someone. Of course, I suspect people will just tell me that I’m mistaken or that I’m somehow misinterpreting it, and tonight on the way back home I spent a long time considering this. But no, that’s the thing about being gaslit – it’s done to make you seem like you are making a fuss over nothing or are somehow paranoid. I came to the conclusion that given that life is great at the moment, and mentally my head is in a great place, the issue really isn’t me.
I made a point of making people aware. I suspect at least some of them won’t take it seriously… but this is the second time it’s happened. Last time I was in a vulnerable place, this time… well they are a couple of weeks too late. I wondered if I should just take myself away from it until it dies down but I have tournaments to train for, which was again a sign to me that this isn’t me as I’m focused on the future not on the past. So I refuse to be silent about this.
But after a number of minor incidents at the weekend (and they are always minor so in isolation they are nothing) I had two muttered comments at me tonight. I shouldn’t have to put up with that shit and I plan to take action.
What’s annoying is that it’s not even that I need to focus on Swordfish… I AM focused on Swordfish. So I’m waiting for the inevitable comments that it’s caused by me focusing on the past.
It left a sour taste in my mouth and had me second guessing myself… which if I wasn’t in such a good frame of mind would have stressed me out. It’s still annoying and I don’t see why people have to put up with that shit.
Someone will find out that they’ve picked the wrong arsehole to fuck with because I’ll burn down the whole bridge with me stood on it if I have to.
If you want to follow more of my journey, then be sure to check me on my social channels. Likewise, if you’d like me to expand on any point mentioned above, please say so in the comments.