Monday 27th November 2017

I keep reminding myself that tournaments take it out of me.  The worry, the focus, the physical exertion… it all adds up and I’m learning that for a week to ten days afterwards I’m a little flat.
Life is excellent at the moment.  Overall, things are going brilliantly.  Whilst the day to day can be up and down, the overall trend is upwards.  But the last few days have been a bit down and in my current state, it’s feeling greatly exaggerated.
I didn’t do bad in my tournament.  I won 3 and lost 2.  But the doubles and the fact I didn’t make the quarter-final has shaken my confidence.
Long term, this will probably be good.  It’ll stop me getting complacent.  It’ll force me to level up.
But at the moment, I just feel shit and whilst it’s certainly not an overriding emotion, the feeling of just quitting has certainly been there.
What’s surprising is that I don’t often dwell on losses.  I’ll give myself the day to have a pity party for myself, but then I’ll move on.  Except this time I’m struggling.
Even at training tonight I felt thoroughly demotivated, felt incredibly critical and disparaging about my fencing.  I nearly didn’t go.
Normally, when I feel a bit like this, I just bury myself in my writing, but there’s frustration there as well.  Publishing moves slow and I’m impatient.
By all rights I should just put my nose into Book 2 and keep ploughing on.  The more work I can do now, the more it will benefit me in the future.  But in my flat mood, there’s a small part of me that wonders if this is all for nothing.
It’s not overriding by any means.  I can see I’m just run down and disappointed, and being extremely hard on myself as a result.  As I said, life overall is good; great even.  I just – to coin an old phrase – can’t see the wood for the trees.
Of course, returning back to the day job didn’t help either.  I haven’t returned from my week off with a sense of accomplishment like I have on previous occasions.  Book 2 is still being edited and the tournament has ensured I’ve not been entirely focused on it.  I still managed to get quiet a bit done… it just wasn’t complete.
And with my current mood, I’m not feeling particularly motivated to editing (or swordfighting)
So I buried myself into learning today, educating myself on cyptocurrency.  Studied so much Youtube that I gave myself a headache and had to stop half way through one really good video.    I figure I can pick up again tomorrow.  It’s baby steps, plus it takes my mind off fighting and writing.
As I said, I realise this is all just a result of feeling run down after a tournament.  I read somewhere that adrenaline uses up vitamin B so perhaps I should start taking so supplements after a competition.
I know it’ll pass.  A few early nights and plenty of rest should also help me out.  I have just one tournament left, and currently I can’t wait for it to be over.
If you want to follow more of my journey, then be sure to check me on my social channels.  Likewise, if you’d like me to expand on any point mentioned above, please say so in the comments.

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