Saturday 25th November 2017

I’ve always known that my good fortune wasn’t going to last.  It’s not so much that I’ve been lucky as that my tournament success has been based on a number of factors, only some of which I can control.
But look… Wessex Bath wasn’t dreadful.  It’s not the end of the world.  I’m really pissed off… but I knew this would have to happen at some point or other.
I ended up going out in the pools, which is the first time that’s happened in over a year (excluding Swordfish, because Swordfish doesn’t count due to it being on a totally different level).
Several things happened.
I seem to be feeling the pressure of this league.  Possibly my early success has lead me to feeling the need to HAVE to do well.
My first fight was bad despite actually warming up first.  I won it, but my opponent was inexperienced and doubled a lot.  That’s where they charge in without a care about their defence and end up stabbing you and impaling themselves at exactly the same time.  They’re difficult to fight because they are so reckless and unpredictable.  Now, in a real world context, we’d both be dead, so a lot of competitions seriously penalise doubles.  This is good.  It should stop people doing dick moves.
But, you know what?  I’m an experienced fighter.  I should be able to  defend against those dick moves.  I should be able to parry their blade and still hit them.
But I didn’t.  And instead of trying to avoid doubling again, my opponent just kept doing it and doing it and doing it, meaning that not only did he get penalised but I did as well.
It impacted all my future fights.  Doubles happen and they need to be avoided but I got so many in that first fight that I was scared to go on the offensive for the rest of my fights.  It impacted my mind game and whilst I won 3 I lost 2 of the fights narrowly.  This meant I didn’t get through to the quarter finals, which is the first time that’s happened in over a year.
I’ll be honest.  I’m majorly pissed about this.  Not so much for the losses or even my opponent who doubled against me but for the fact I didn’t deal with this.
At Wessex Reading my failing was people who cut.  I think I managed that well today.  I feel I upgraded my fencing, but I didn’t feel it showed.
Now, I should be noble and say that this was a learning experience and that you can’t win them all.  After all, I’ve been saying for a while I was overdue a bad fight.  But in all honesty… I’m just super pissed.  Forget that I’ve won 2 medals in the last couple of months, forget my position at Swordfish.  I feel I was terrible and I’m so annoyed at myself.
So much so, that I was unable to really enjoy other people’s successes.  I want to say how great it was to see people who I’ve said are dark horses, do well… but I can’t.  Not today.  Today is for feeling pissed off and annoyed.
Tomorrow I will bounce back.  This is like a bad writing rejection.  You gotta take that shit and eat it.  Have a ton of ice cream and feel sorry for yourself, then pick yourself up and carry on.
I’ll do that… it’s just not going to be today.
If you want to follow more of my journey, then be sure to check me on my social channels.  Likewise, if you’d like me to expand on any point mentioned above, please say so in the comments.

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