Gang Aft Agley – The Climb #194

Thursday 3^rd August 2017

It’s fair to say that today has not been a good day.
There are a number of reasons, and whilst none of them was enough to ruin my Thursday single-handedly, collectively they managed to do it.
I found myself lacking motivation in the gym today. Normally, I’ll moan and grumble, but I’ll do the work. After a blinding session earlier in the week, today I just felt like I didn’t want to be there. What with injury and competition, I feel I’ve plateaued in recent weeks and this is all down to me. Normally I’ll push myself to succeed, and even if my physical game isn’t there my mental game will be.
It was the opposite today. I still managed to do all the weights I’ve been doing but motivating myself to do them took considerable effort. In the end I had to mind hack and basically convince myself that I was pissed off because I wasn’t motivated and should take it out on the weights.
In swordfighting we’d call this under-arousal, where you aren’t fired up to win. I usually suffer with the opposite (where I’m so fired up I need to actually calm myself down) so to be demotivated was a rare thing and as a consequence difficult to handle.
It was a real struggle and I left the session feeling both physically and mentally exhausted.
Then there’s worries about the hospital tomorrow.
I’m seeing a panel of doctors in the latest in a long line of medical examinations where I try and convince the medical profession that there’s something wrong with me. To be fair, in the last year they have actually discovered that I’ve been really, really ill. But there’s some debate as to what. I exhibit some classic signs of some conditions but not the expected others.
I guess I’m just worried that they will say that there’s nothing wrong with me and send me on my way when I’d rather they say that there IS something wrong with me and then say there’s nothing they can do and send me away.
Actually that’s a lie. What I’d like them to do is basically take all my symptoms seriously and start treating it as a whole and not as separate issues. All my symptoms started around the same time and one always seems to lead to increased problems with the other (and vice versa). Invisible illnesses suck, even moreso when they are physical.
And finally, my beta reader – the wonderful Kate – came back from reading my new chapter… and said it didn’t work.
Now, I want honesty, especially at this stage of my career… but I took it hard. Nothing against Kate – I’d be annoyed if she lied to me even though she’d never do that. But, coupled with everything else, it put me into a bit of a spin. I started doubting myself. If I’ve got this wrong, perhaps I have everything else wrong?
It just wasn’t what I wanted to hear today.
So what do I do when I get something like that? I just allow myself to have a bad day. I didn’t bother doing any writing. I just sat around and felt miserable for myself.
Kate and I had a few emails as I tried to understand what exactly isn’t working in this chapter and then upon getting her response, suggested a plan of action which she thinks sounds better.
So even though I didn’t get down to writing it, I did ignore my own advice a little and make some progress on the next version.
I still didn’t bother to write anything though. I don’t trust myself with my writing today. Better that I take the day off, feel sorry with myself and start afresh tomorrow.
Given how hyper I was at the beginning of the week, it’s looking like the end will be the polar opposite. Nothing I can do about it though. Sometimes things just need to be endured before you start moving forwards again.
If you want to follow more of my journey, then be sure to check me on my social channels. Likewise, if you’d like me to expand on any point mentioned above, please say so in the comments.