Self-Care – The Climb #251

Friday 29^th September 2017

Today has been a bit of a self-care day. I’ve noticed myself getting a bit low over the last couple of days and have taken measures to combat it.
I’ve unpacked all the reasons why and am very confident that it’s a combination of various pressures rather than the early stages of anything I really need to be worried about. I have a lot of irrational worries that are weighing on my mind but I know that these will be resolved in the coming weeks. Couple that with day job stress and it’s resulted in the little storm going on in my mind right now.
The best thing to do on days like this is just be kind to myself. Even though it’s a temporary thing, I find it’s important to try and be less harsh on myself. So I push myself a little less, I allow myself to fail a little more. I also allow myself to be miserable or sad or whatever emotion that’s troubling me.
I’m a big believer in acknowledging your emotions. It’s no good pretending you are OK if you’re not feeling so. Thankfully, even my worst panic attacks are not long term so I can pretty much set limits for myself. I can feel miserable today and I can feel as miserable as I like but I have only the day to do so. Tomorrow, I have to get up and get on. Of course, that wouldn’t be possible with a lot of mental illnesses so I guess I almost use it as a barometer of whether I am just having a bad day or if there might be something more serious.
But I had an evening of alcohol and ice cream that I dubbed HotMessFriday and then just spent the evening chilling.
I’m still really into Youtube at the moment and I realised that the reason I like vlogs so much is because they are people talking about themselves. As much as I like my own company, as a writer I’m fascinated by people. I people watch a lot and vlogs provide almost an ethical way to stalk random people’s lives.
I think it’s why I watch such random vlogs. Usually they are of someone who does something rather than just makes Youtube prank videos or TV reactions. Instead they seem to be people on some sort of journey whether it be travel, self-improvement, business or sport. I’ve got quite an eclectic mix right now.
One thing I’ve found very interesting this last week is to watch some long term Youtubers and then go back to their first videos and see their development. I’ve watched some where there are so many years of content that I’ve not actually realised that the person in the first video and the current one are the same person.
Most of the people I watch are people who are a success at what they do, and it’s been fun to see them set off in their first video with aspirations and dreams only to see them realise them.
But I came across one today that was a little different. Inbetween all the Youtube staples of pranks and collabs there have been a couple of Q&A videos over the years where this youtuber set out their goals. Early on, when they were still in college they wanted to be an actor. They got themselves an agent and moved to Hollywood, and through updates on their various social media I could see them grow as a person as they saw initial success. They fell in love. They had heartbreak. They complained about having no friends shortly after the move and slowly built up a network of great friends.
But the thing I was most interested in was that dream. Initially the auditions had come thick and fast. They were an extra in a load of TV series. They were excited.
But they seemed to plateau. They got regular extra work but never anything more. Then in one update they were no longer with their agent. Then they started improving the quality of their Youtube, possibly looking at that as their ‘in’. And then in a recent Q&A they said they were no longer acting and in production instead. They said that this was what they wanted to do and they loved it, but I couldn’t help but wonder if their dreams had died and they’d just decided to compromise.
I’ve been really thinking about this all day. Did they do the smart thing and change track because they got stuck? Maybe the production work will give them a better understanding and that will create opportunities.
Or did they give up on their dream? By the way their face lit up when they talked about how the production work might one day lead to acting work, I suspected this to be true.
People change and as they do, so can their dreams. There’s nothing wrong with saying that what you wanted yesterday is not what you want today. But only in so much as it has to be genuine. Maybe they were smart in saving themselves all the heartache and sacrifice and anguish that comes from trying to be successful. Maybe they are happier being content.
But there’s a big part of me that watched that Q&A and was heartbroken for the person. Making it is tough and they didn’t have it in them.
Given how the worry about my own future success can bring me low like today, maybe they are the sensible ones. Yet, even sitting here eating ice cream, drinking fireball and feeling generally sorry for myself, I don’t see myself ever giving up.
If you want to follow more of my journey, then be sure to check me on my social channels. Likewise, if you’d like me to expand on any point mentioned above, please say so in the comments.