Tuesday 28th November 2017

I’m quickly coming to the conclusion that my current malaise is due to the change of season.  A number of people I’ve spoken to in the last week or so have said that they feel a bit sluggish coupled with a feeling of not wanting to be bothered.
Mine seems to extend beyond my fencing.  I’m still very much pissed off about the weekend.  I’ve spent considerable time considering whether it’s something born out of the pressures of the league, whether it’s an ego thing and I consider myself better than people who did better than me, or whether I’ve genuinely had my confidence knocked.  I suspect they all play a part.
I think the thing that has really stopped me moving on is the fact that I never made the quarter finals.  It feels like a step back, even though I’ve been saying for months that there would be setbacks and I was prepared for them.
The difficult thing for me is that my writing and swordfighting follow very similar psychologies.  If I get a rejection, even a major one, it might sting and I feel thoroughly miserable, but I move on the next day.  If it’s particularly bad it might take me a few days to fully get over the disappointment, but there’s progress.  With my results at the weekend, it feels like a rut I can’t get out.
Of course, I realise that I’m physically and mentally run down following the tournament but I’ve never been this ‘down’.  Or have I?  I find myself looking back at past tournaments and various disappointments.  Are these the same underlying issues manifesting themselves in different ways?  I’m just not sure.
The weird thing is that overall, life is very good.  Even with my swordfighting I can look at my progress over the last year and see how far I’ve come.
And yet, I feel this gut emotion that everything is starting to slip.  With all the hard work I put in, I usually feel like I’m drowning.  It’s only as I accomplish things that I realise I’m swimming.  This is different.  I don’t feel like I’m drowning, I feel like I’m giving up.
My PT is good, but my nutrition isn’t perfect.   I’m not measuring my macros.  I’m not drinking enough water.  My writing progress is really good, but again it isn’t perfect.  I’m not working on book 2 every day.  I’m not working until late in the night to get it done.
There’s this feeling that I’ve lost my edge, that sharpness that pushes me above and beyond.
I’ve often said that the challenge isn’t getting to the top, it’s staying at the top.  It’s easy to get complacent, to slack off.  It’s something I’ve vowed I’d never do.
And yet… it feels like it’s happening.  I feel like I’m getting lax, getting soft and flabby.
And that would be fine if I had the motivation to step everything up and push even harder.  But I don’t.  I want to just climb back into bed, pull the covers over my head and worry about the problems tomorrow.
I know that, for some reason, February seems to be my month for  stepping things up and starting my plans for the year.  Perhaps, by the same token, December is my month for slacking off?  I just hope it is something seasonal, exacerbated by the fact I’m run-down post-tournament.  I’ve got too much to do to start slacking now.
If you want to follow more of my journey, then be sure to check me on my social channels.  Likewise, if you’d like me to expand on any point mentioned above, please say so in the comments.

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