Sunday 10th September 2017

OK, I’m so ready for my writing vacation to be over.  I’ve been so bored this evening, not knowing what to do with myself.  At least some friends have been in the eyewall of Hurricane Irma so Facebook has been entertaining if nothing else.
In less than a week I have my next tournament.  It’s the start of a new league and as I said to someone today, my aim is to win it.  Not saying that I will, but that’s the aim at least.
Except…I just don’t seem so fired up about it.  I’m far too calm.
It’s something I’ve noticed of late.  I seem far too contempt with things.
I was so certain that Astolat and Fightcamp would be complete disasters that my placing in the quarter and semi-finals came as a bit of a surprise.  Yet I feel that instead of building on that, I feel content to say I’ve proved myself.
With my weight, I’m steady but I could do with losing about a stone.  It’s stopping me fitting into my fencing britches so I have more reasons than just the aesthetic ones.  And yet, whilst I’m really, really good with my diet,  I don’t feel I’m as perfect as I was.  I’m not counting every macro, I’m not logging my food every day.  Some of this is because I have the same diet every week, but I need to drop calories if I want to drop weight… and if I’m not monitoring that I can’t.
At least with the writing, I’ve not compromised on quality.  But once these changes get accepted am I going to try and take it easier on the next book when this is the exact moment when I should be stepping things up?
It’s a point of serious worry at the moment that I don’t seem to have that fire in my belly for things.  I’m still turning up, I’m doing the work, but I don’t seem as hungry as I once was.
Perhaps, it’s just that I know the hard work is paying off and that I’m just knuckling down and getting on with it.  Or it could be that I am indeed knackered and need some rest.  Or it could just be that having accomplished something my body has lost interest.
It was on my mind at sparring today.  We did some really high intensity training today and I think it went well.  We were certainly all sweating by the end of it.  Except, despite the endurance battle at the end, I didn’t feel tired.  I felt I could have kept going for an additional 5 minutes.  Perhaps I paced myself.
I have been really worried that my cardio seems lacking, and yet today proved I have it.  I’m certainly moving around more as a fighter.
When I lost a load of weight, I had a load of people ask me if I felt better for it.  I have to be honest and say I didn’t notice any change.  I was certainly lighter, but I didn’t feel the weight loss made me faster or more agile.  It’s only now, when I’m wanting to pull off some amazing moves that I notice the weight.  I wonder if it needed my cardio to be at a certain level before it would make any difference.  I feel I’m at that level now.
I fought well.  I feel strong, but I didn’t feel like I wanted to win.  Perhaps the fire and frustration has been replaced with a calm focus and resolve.  But I know I perform better when I’m the underdog.  I need that fire to make me push to make me step up, and it’s just not there at the moment.
I never want to get too comfortable whether it be in my health, my fighting or indeed my writing, but that requires me to have more ambition and drive than I’m feeling right now.  Perhaps I should wait a bit longer before ending my writing vacation.
If you want to follow more of my journey, then be sure to check me on my social channels.  Likewise, if you’d like me to expand on any point mentioned above, please say so in the comments.

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