I've Been here Before – The Climb #279

Friday 27^th October 2017

I realise I’ve been here before.
You’ll notice that there are times when I rarely talk about the writing and seem solely focused on the swordfighting.
The writing is never forgotten. I could tell you the stress I feel waiting to hear feedback on the latest draft, about my worries over my future writing career. But instead I push it to the back of my mind and whilst it’s not forgotten, it gets drowned out by the swordfighting.
This might seem like a bad thing, but as I realised a long time ago, they are one and the same thing. There are so many instances where issues with my writing are also the same issue with my swordfighting: I need more confidence, I need to be more direct, I need to cut the fancy stuff.
Swordfighting (at least at a tournament level) is very cerebral. In many ways it’s a battle with yourself and not your competitor. Writing is very much like that too. It’s about digging deep and revealing those truths buried deep in yourself.
And there are so many times when one impacts the other. I see analogies all the time, it’s all the same pattern. It’s about striving for the impossible and not crumbling under the weight of expectation that you put yourself under.
To some it may seem like two parallel journies but it’s actually one and the same. The writing informs the swordfighting, the swordfighting informs the writing.
Case in point: today.
I’m seeded the top of my pool for tomorrow. I’m a favourite. This is new to me and something that’s given me a little unease. I like being the underdog. I like having no expectation put on me and then doing well. Being a favourite gives me a bar I feel I need to reach. And I’ll be honest, I think it’s what’s caused me to be so nervous in the run up to this tournament.
But I realised I’ve been here before.
This is exactly the same as when I got my agent. Then I suddenly felt the bar rise to an impossible height and mentally I struggled. I felt I didn’t belong there, I didn’t know how I’d ever meet those expectations, and I crumbled a bit.
But over time I realised I was where I was because I’d earned it. I’d put in the hard work.
And I realised this is the same here. I’m seeded at the top of my pool, because I’ve earned that place. I’ve worked hard, I’ve put in the hours. I’ve turned up when others couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed or decided to give themselves the night off.
And just like getting an agent doesn’t mean you’ll get a publishing deal, so getting seeded doesn’t mean you’ll get a medal. But, the hard work you put in does give you the best chance.
And I look at the people I’m going to fight, and yes, I think they could certainly beat me. But I can also beat them. I kinda like the idea that they’ll see the pool and think… “fuck, I’ve got to go against Adrian.”
Because they know they haven’t put in as many hours. They know that they are not as prepared.
And so I’m in a position where I’m just going to have fun. I’ll do my best and that’ll either be good enough or it won’t. That won’t stop the butterflies, but it should make for a more enjoyable day.
And if the worst happens and I get trounced by everyone, I’ll be sad for a day – just like I would as if I got a rejection. But writing has taught me how to pick myself up after a defeat / rejection. So whilst the worst case scenario would crush most… I’ll still be at sparring on Sunday.
If you want to follow more of my journey, then be sure to check me on my social channels. Likewise, if you’d like me to expand on any point mentioned above, please say so in the comments.