Monday 21st August 2017

I’m burnt out.
I mean I’m seriously fried.
I noticed it today when I was thinking about upcoming tournaments.  I thought to myself… don’t worry about trying to win, just take part.  Now ordinarily, I’d say this is good advice but given how driven I am, how much I want to progress… it was a bit of an alarm bell to me.
It’s been a hectic year.  I wrote the first draft of book 2, I did another round of edits on book 1,  I taught swordfighting yet still managed to get into the quarter-finals at three tournaments.  I went storm chasing and created a vlog every day.  I’ve not stopped.
I’ve known that I was running low when all I could think of was what I’d do once the edits were done.  I could feel myself getting stressed that they weren’t complete.
I also have a mountain of School of the Sword work to do and I’ve not even made a list.  And it’s one thing to have a lot to do and feel a bit anxious, but when I’m not making a list, it’s again another sign.
I can feel myself getting paniced.
And so I did a rare thing.  I took a night off swordfighting.  Anyone who knows me, knows this doesn’t happen.  I’ve had other fighters say they have a down week or two after major tournaments but I don’t think it’s this… I think I’m just a bit emotionally exhausted.
I put the time to good use this evening.  I invested it in the edits, and despite feeling broken, I still went back a couple of chapters and went over something that I found had been bothering me all day.  As I’ve said, I’m proud of my work ethic, and was glad to have the night to work.  I have no idea how stressed I’d be if I had gone to training.
But despite having another potential disaster with version control (Honestly I don’t know how given how I number everything!)  I got the edits done.
Well sort of.
I still need to give it a read over.  I still need to check for spelling mistakes and grammar and all those good things.  But the editing part of the edits is done
There’s part of me that just wants to email it as it is now.  I’m so done with this manuscript.  Whatever happens I want future-me to know that I gave it everything.  Which is why, ironically, despite feeling mentally broken I know I need to go over the grammar and the spelling… because you don’t get this far and then throw it all away.
I’m considering taking Wednesday off as well.  This work week is going to be hectic and I think come Friday I’m going to feel dead.  Plus on Wednesday I have a meeting that is not in the same direction.
I want to feel jubilant.  I want to feel excited, but the honest truth is that I feel like I want to sleep for a week.
Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret the hard work.  Only today I watched a couple of my storm chasing vlogs and found myself really enjoying them.  I’m thankful to past me, and I’m sure future me will feel the same about the work I’ve put in here.
But at this moment in time, I’m stressing that I need to read it again  (I fear continuity errors), that I need to do some spelling and grammar work, and generally tidy up the manuscript.
It feels like having to walk the short distance to the car after having run a marathon.
Perhaps underneath all this is fear – fear that it’ll go out to market and I’ll know whether all this hard work has been worth it.  I’m sure it has, but still I’ve invested 2 years into this manuscript and it could all be for nothing.
Perhaps, that’s the source of my anxiety this evening, that things are reach a natural climax.  That said, given how many times I’ve thought we’ve been here before only to find another round of edits, I’m not expecting anything.
There’s an anxiety that I took too long on them, that I need to be quicker, that I’m letting myself down, that the day job obstructs me from working as fast as I need to.
Perhaps I just need to go to bed, try and get a lot of work done this week and get the manuscript off as soon as possible so I can relax.
If you want to follow more of my journey, then be sure to check me on my social channels.  Likewise, if you’d like me to expand on any point mentioned above, please say so in the comments.

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