Feeling The Pressure – The Climb #275

Monday 23^rd October 2017

Three days of intense training really take their toll.
I know I’ve been really pushing it this week. Some people are using this as a week to rest ahead of competition. I see it as a week to get some last minute training. But I’m glad I can now step it down a little and try and get some rest as I am exhausted.
Tonight was my fourth intense session inside a week and I was really feeling it. People were doing wide cuts at me that I couldn’t defend. I felt slow. In fact the only person I did any good against was Matt, and that was because he was ill.
I do feel I’ve levelled up this past week, I just didn’t feel I demonstrated it. We always say that everyone is rubbish the week before a tournament and I hope that proves true. I feel I’m fighting much more technically. In fact I feel I’m fighting incredibly more technically, I just didn’t feel I had the power, stamina or speed to really show it.
The fear that I’m going to do terribly on Saturday is still very present. I don’t like it that I’m now a favourite rather than an underdog. This is a new experience for me, and one I’ve not got my head around.
I have to find a way to deal with this pressure I’ve put on myself. In many ways it feels the same as when I got my agent. I needed to upgrade my ambition, I had to accept my status as given due to talent not to luck, and I had to have the confidence to push on.
And whilst I am feeling very tired tonight, I’m so glad I’ve done all the training sessions. If I completely crash out on Saturday, it won’t be because I didn’t put the effort in. There will be no regrets.
There’s also a fear that every fighter has bad fights, and I’m overdue one. This could be the weekend that I crash out spectacularly.
And yet…
There’s another thought forming. It’s that if it does go all wrong, it isn’t over. Maybe I’ll lose the league. Maybe I’d drop my world ranking. But, just like my fears that Black as Knight will all fall through and I’ll be left with nothing, so I tell myself that if I can do it once, I can do it again.
I may crash out. Heck, after the way I fought tonight, I wouldn’t be surprised if I went out in the pools.
But there’s something I forget about myself. I get back up. When I failed my safety test, I didn’t let it crush me, I used the disappointment as fire to drive me forwards, to motivate me to try even harder.
Sure if I do badly on Saturday, I’m going to be a nightmare to be around on Sunday. But I’ll give myself a day – no more – and then be focused on Swordfish.
It’s not that you never get knocked down… it’s that you get back up.
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