Saturday 28th October 2017

Today has been a weird day.
It’s been a day where everything went right and yet I end the day feeling disappointed.
I woke up feeling good.  My limbs didn’t ache, I felt rested.  My head was in probably the best place it had ever been:  excited for the tournament yet not worried about the result.
Heck, I even had a bowel movement when I wanted  – which might sound a bit crass, but trust me, as someone with a dodgy stomach, it makes all the difference.  Plus, as soon as you’re all geared up, you automatically want to go to the loo.
I felt my preparation for today was nothing short of perfect.  Even with hindsight, I cannot find a fault in it.  I was in the best physical fitness before a tournament I’ve ever been.  I had the best mental outlook I’ve ever had before a tournament.
I felt good.  Heck, I felt more than good.  I wasn’t going to win.  Neither was I going to lose.  I was going to just let things be.  I was going to trust in my training.
And I didn’t fight bad.
If there’s one regret to the day it was getting dragged into scorekeeping for the longsword.  I think that cost me a little of my focus.  I don’t think it was enough to make any difference to the outcomes but it took the edge off me a little.  Plus, I should not sit down before a tournament.
Perhaps, I’m blaming that because that was the only thing to blame… although even if that is case, I’m still not sure what I’m blaming it for.
My first fight didn’t go well.  I don’t like opponents who cut.  I find them difficult to fight, but what didn’t help was that I felt the judges on my side were not seeing hits when the cuts of equal measure coming the other way were being seen.  That frustrated me.  And it didn’t help when my second fight ended up with me in a different corner with the same judges.  Heck there was one time I hit someone’s leg guard so it echoed through the hall, and yet no-one called a point.
I think it forced me to step up.  I got more aggressive.  I fought harder.  I think I fought better than before, but I cannot be sure.
I’ve heard it said that some tournaments you sail through, some you scrape through.  I sailed through Wessex League Bristol.  I scraped through Fightcamp.  And today I scraped through.
People were fencing well, and I’ll never take that away from them.  Points were hard earned, my wins were narrow, but that didn’t bother me.
I ended up losing one and winning four.  I went through as second seed in my pool.  Yet another quarter final place.  Six months ago I would have been over the moon at this.
I wasn’t out,  I’d scraped through.
My quarter final fight was with Jay.  He beat me for gold in Bristol.  He’s a great fighter, and it was a match I’d been looking forward to (I’d predicted he’d take silver in this).
I think I’m happy how I fought in this.  I stepped it up.  I brought aggression.  I fought more extended.  I felt I was really fighting here.
I enjoyed the fight.  It was close.  I was proud how I knew I was behind and fought back.  And you know what… the final point he got to win it was fairly earned.  I have no problem with that.  I have no problem losing to him.
And yet… I come away from Wessex League Reading feeling disappointed and I don’t know why.   I certainly didn’t expect a medal.  My mental game was far from complacent.
I know this is a journey and I need to have patience.  But I’m asking myself whether I expected a medal?  Given the mental gymnastics I’ve been through this last week, I honestly don’t think so.  But perhaps I feel others were expecting it.
It bothers me that I can’t work this out.  I’m sure I will in the coming days, but for now the tldr; is that I did well, but I’m not sure why I’m not happy.
If you want to follow more of my journey, then be sure to check me on my social channels.  Likewise, if you’d like me to expand on any point mentioned above, please say so in the comments.

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