Thursday 30th November 2017

This week is determined to kick my arse.
As I continue to lick my wounds from swordfighting, I’ve tried to change my focus to my writing.  It’s usually been a good way to continue to move forwards whilst one area of my life is suffering a setback.  But even that’s not going great.
I’m suffering a serious amount of frustration with my writing at the moment.  I feel the exhaustion from all the hard work, but seeing none of the reward.  I know I need to be patient.  After all, last year I was in the same place with my swordfighting.  I was frustrated with my lack of progress in tournaments only a couple of months on to start a year long run of quarter final places.  Which, of course, ended with last weekend’s tournament and brings my thoughts back to my current upset with my swordfighting.
And whilst the spiral isn’t downwards,  it’s still a spiral of frustration.  I feel myself getting annoyed at my tournament last weekend so focus on the writing only to get frustrated about that.  I then try to remind myself that I’ve seen this pattern before which then brings me back to my tournament performance.
Behind it all I know that I’m just very run down from all the tournaments.  I should be focused on working on ways to speed both my mental and physical recovery, but at the moment all I want is just a pity party.
There are also a few things going on in my person life with regards to relationships that, whilst not bad, left me seriously deflated today.  This hasn’t helped either.
Seriously, this week can go fuck itself.
But, even considering all this, life is still pretty good.  I’m not so deflated that I can’t see that this is just a temporary thing.  You can’t go through life without a few bad weeks.  Overall, everything is massively upwards, and I know that.
But I also know that as a writer I spend a huge amount of time in my own head and that’s not healthy.  So when I have a week when I feel a bit miserable I think it’s healthy to accept that’s how you feel rather than trying to deny it, even if the upsides of your life massively outweigh the downsides.
So I just ride it, being honest with myself on how I feel.  The head might be able to rationalise it all and tell yourself you’re just being stupid… but that’s doesn’t stop you feeling the way you do.
So for now, I just intend to let it burn itself out as I slowly return to equilibrium.  I suspect that as I recover from the mental exhaustion of competition  (which seems to take 7 to 10 days for me) I’m going to feel a bit more centred.
But all that considered, this week can still go fuck itself.
If you want to follow more of my journey, then be sure to check me on my social channels.  Likewise, if you’d like me to expand on any point mentioned above, please say so in the comments.

Past Issues: 312 | 311 | 310 | 309 | 308 | 307 | 306 | 305 | 304 | 303 | 302 | 301
300| 299 | 298 | 297 | 296 | 295 | 294 | 293 | 292 | 291 | 290 | 289 | 288 |  287 | 286 | 285 | 284 | 283 | 282 | 281
280 | 279 | 278 | 277 | 276 | 275 | 274 | 273 | 272 | 271 | 270 | 269 |  268 | 267 | 266 | 265 | 264 | 263 | 262 | 261
260 | 259 | 258 | 257 | 256 | 255 | 254 |  253 | 252 | 251 | 250 | 249 | 248 | 247 | 246 | 245 | 244 | 243 | 242 | 241
240 | 239 | 238 | 237 | 236 | 235 | 234 | 233 | 232 | 231 | 230 | 229 | 228 | 227 | 226 | 225 | 224 | 223 | 222 | 221
220 | 219 |218 | 217 | 216 | 215 | 214 |  213 | 212 | 211 | 210 | 209 | 208 | 207 | 206 | 205 | 204 | 203 | 202 | 201
200 | 199 | 198 | 197 | 196 | 195 | 194 | 193 | 192 | 191 | 190 | 189 | 188 | 187 | 186 | 185 | 184 | 183 | 182 | 181 |
180 | 179 | 178 | 177 | 176 | 175 | 174 | 173 | 172 | 171 | 170 | 169 |  168 | 167 | 166 | 165 | 164 | 163 | 162 | 161 |
160 | 159 | 158 | 157 | 156 | 155 | 154 | 153 | 152 | 151 | 150 | 149 | 148 | 147 | 146 | 145 | 144 | 143 | 142 | 141 |
140 | 139 | 138 | 137| 136 | 135 | 134 | 133 | 132 | 131 | 130 | 129 | 128 | 127 | 126 | 125 | 124 | 123 | 122 | 121 |
120 | 119 | 118 | 117 | 116| 115 | 114 | 113 | 112 | 111 | 110 | 109 | 108| 107| 106| 105| 104| 103 | 102 | 101|
100 | 99| 98 | 97 | 96 | 95 | 94 | 93 | 92 | 91 | 90 | 89 | 88 | 87 | 86 | 85 | 84 | 83 | 82| 81|
80 | 79| 78| 77| 76 | 75 | 74 | 73 | 72 | 71 | 70 | 69 | 68 | 67 | 66 | 65 |  64 | 63 | 62 | 61 |
60 | 59 | 58 | 57 | 56 | 55 | 54 | 53| 52| 51 |50 | 49 | 48 | 47 | 46 |45 | 44 | 43 | 42 | 41 |
40 | 39| 38| 37 | 36 | 35 | 34 | 33 | 32 | 31 |30 | 29 | 28 | 27 | 26 | 25 | 24| 23 | 22 | 21 |
20 | 19 | 18 | 17 | 16 | 15| 14| 13 | 12 | 11 |10 | 9 | 8 | 7| 6 | 5 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 1