Saturday 12th June 2021

Today has been a glorious sunny day, the likes of which will soon be gone as summer gets limited to those two key weeks a year.  So what am I doing?  I’m sitting inside and writing.

I got 3000 words done today using the plan I drew up yesterday.  Even so the first writing session of the day was pretty ropey and I only got 600 words done.

I feel the entire scene needs to be rewritten.  It’s missing something, but I’m not sure what.  I found myself having the drag the plot forwards.

I suspect this book is going to need a lot of work in the next draft.  I’m trying to ignore it as much as I can right now, but if pushed, I’ll write a message to myself in the notes.  Usually they go along the lines of “this is crap, it needs a total rewrite”

At least the characters seem to be doing things at the moment rather than standing around and talking about the same thing fifteen different ways.

Part of the reasons for flushing the doubts out my head is because I fear that if I let them in, I just start second guessing myself.  It’s been a while since I last worked on anything new, and as a result there is this doubt as to whether it was all just a fluke, that I was a one hit wonder whose time has now passed.  I miss my old tempered confidence.

I’m also finding myself second guessing the content of my novels as well.  I really want diverse characters but I worry that I may need to water them down to appeal to the mass market.  I fear I may already be doing that.

Could I hold this book up to the writings of greats?  I don’t think so.  I tell myself it’s nerves but there’s a part of me that feels like I’m missing something I once had.  I try not to let it get inside my head.  The pandemic has been rough on everyone and we all feel older and wearier.

But what if this novel isn’t as good?  Does it do the things I want to do as a writer, or have I compromised too much?  Does the book stand for anything or is it cheap entertainment?  Nothing wrong with the latter, but is that what I want to do?  My goal was always to write fun books with meaning.

There’s a downward spiral there waiting to suck me in if I think about it too long.  Instead, I just tell myself that this is a messy first draft and I’ll fix all the problems down the road.

Secretly, though, I’m asking myself if I can.

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Past Years: 2020 – The Year of Being Fearsome | 2019 – The Year of Soldiering Through | 2018 – The Year of Priorities | 2017 – The Year Of The Offensive