Contemplating A New Beginning – The Climb #623

Friday 6th November 2020

World events are such that I really can’t face writing right now, but I have been using the time to think about the start to this NaNoWriMo novel.

I built the plot very fast and as such there’s probably part of me that feels a little unsure of it. I used a lot of craft and technique to do this so it is sound…it’s just meant I’ve had to go in a little cold.

So this novel borrows heavily from something from popular culture. As part of the planning I identified key factors and allowed those to influence my writing heavily.

Except that when I finally came to write this, I found the start of this novel very different to the influence. They tend to start with much more explosions and whilst I have conflict and agency… it’s very different.

And this, combined with doomscrolling has got me to a stage where I don’t know which way is up and which way is down.

Black As Knight has had a LOT of rewriting. This is mostly me learning my craft and bringing elements of my storytelling up to traditional publishing standards. I’ve mastered the rewrite and it’s now something I could possibly do in my sleep, But it’s meant that I’ve developed an aversion to it.

I don’t want this project to be one I have to rewrite. Edit, yes, but I don’t want to come back to this and feel I need to rewrite the start. Especially not the start.

There’s so much personal frustration bundled up in this that instead of just doing what I normally would – continue to write and remember that there’s nothing I cannot fix in a second draft – it’s just combined with the state of the world and put me in a major funk to the point I’m best taking time out.

Yes, I’ll be able to catch up. But this project was supposed to be fun. Instead, it’s just released a bunch of personal writing demons.

The problem is that this is clouding my judgement. Ordinarily, I can listen to my gut, and react with my head. I very much write in service to the story. It means that even if I’m having a tough time, I can muddle through. It might be a bit erratic and up and down, but it gets done. I just ask myself what the story needs. Not what I need.

So on one hand this story breaks with its influence at the start. Logically that’s OK. We’re not writing a pastiche here.

Logically, I also think the start works. It follows structure and isn’t out of keeping with the subgenre that the influence sits in.

Yet emotionally, I worry it’s too long. I worry that it’s not exactly like its influence.

I’ve taught myself over the years to listen to this gut feeling, which is why when I started having worries about the start I had genuine concerns that something was broken. But when I’ve looked at this logically, I can’t see anything.

The only thing I’ve got is that it’s not like its influence.

Maybe my subconscious is hiding something from me. Maybe there’s something I’m missing that when someone reads it, they will point it out and have me wondering why I never saw it myself.

But honestly, I live in fear that someone will say that the beginning needs a rewrite, and that’s not being driven by story but rather by my own insecurities as a writer. And this is a TERRIBLE week to do a bunch of soul searching when the world feels like it is going to hell and I’m feeling genuinely negative.

Which is why I’m playing games instead and not writing. I really just need to bury my head in the sand for a few days and emerge when the world around me seems a little calmer.

It may ultimately need a different beginning. Alternatively, maybe I should trust the craft work I put into constructing this story and just work on trust.

Hopefully, when I do emerge the world will seem a little brighter and the path forwards a lot clearer.