Tuesday 1^st September 2020

Craig will talk about how, after the fire, he’ll get sensations of the fire running up his arm.

I’ve been on edge for a week. I work best when I have something to do and for the last week, it’s been looking out for him. I’ve carved some time out for me, and taking my xbox round to his was part of that. But we watched TV tonight and I just couldn’t relax.

We were watching a documentary and he was flitting between watching it and typing on his phone. For some reason, this just triggered me. Every tap on his phone was like nails on a chalkboard. He wasn’t watching the TV, he wasn’t paying attention, and when he doesn’t pay attention, bad things happen.

So I found myself getting more and more worked up about this, whilst simultaneously knowing that this was over nothing. I even apologised as I moaned to him.

It’s little things like this, and the fact that I’ve not done my usual thing of post-crisis anxiety / breakdown, that make me wary of my own mental health. When he focused on the TV, I could relax, and I found I fell asleep right away (which is annoying as I really want to watch this programme).

I find I’m being a little overprotective of him, which given what happened, is only natural. I suspect at some point this is going to be annoying so I’ve tried to allow him to overdo it whilst simultaneously reminding him to take it easy. This is as much about me letting go of my neurosis as it is about letting him reestablish his independence.

Given everything that happened, he’s doing remarkably well. It’s only when there are little challenges (like making sure his ear is getting enough Vaseline or the washing up needing doing) that I remind myself that my role is no longer to do everything but to be here in case he needs assistance.