Trauma Validation – The Climb #553

Friday 28^th August 2020

Craig and I had a long Facetime chat today. I asked him for access to his CCTV so I could get video of the incident.

I often joke that if something really bad happens you should get a picture of the injury. I say this after leggeddon. My reasoning is that if the split second it takes to get the picture is going to make a difference you’re probably going to die anyway, and if it doesn’t you’re going to want some evidence to show to people down the road.

This… however, was for validation.

I know what I saw. I saw him engulfed in fire. He looked like one of those buddist monks you see in Vietnam movies.

I’d intended to retrieve the video myself so not to traumatise him, but Craig retrieved it himself. He left the sound off though.

What it gave us both was validation. Craig obviously only felt it so couldn’t see how bad it was. Watching the video meant that those sensations he felt could be qualified. Yes, I hurt because look at how much I was on fire. For me, it was validating that what I saw, was what happened.

Neither of us really want to watch the video again, but we said that seeing it was actually incredibly helpful. We might see if it can be used for training or safety purposes because, accepting the absolute horror of it, it is actually an incredible video where you can clearly see what’s happened.

I find that the screams I heard have been almost blocked from my mind. I do wonder if I ever hear anything like it, whether it will trigger me. I’ve been reading up on PTSD, because I want to know the signs if they materialise.

The video alone is horrific, but seeing it in person and the subject on fire being someone you care about makes it even more traumatic. Even knowing me, I’m worried I’m handling it a little too well. I can see people around me might think so as well as loads of people have been in contact.

I’ve wanted to chat to people more, although not about this necessarily.

The one thing I do feel is tired. I think this is my body feeling stress. I tried to distract myself by playing some of the new season of Fortnite but as much as this Marvel season is one I’m really excited about, I had little energy to play.