Tuesday February 13th 2018

I’m feeling so lazy of late.
Part of this is the finger, which just isn’t right.  I keep soaking it, and the scabs are still falling away to reveal that it’s attached at an angle.  This means round the back there’s a gap.
It’s painful… best described as pins and needles, and hurts when I brush it.  For that reason I tend to keep it covered up.  But I can’t type with it, I can’t bend it – which means I stab my finger when I drive.
I’ve also been avoiding social media a bit.  I’m not sure why I’m being a recluse.  I suppose, I don’t want to be reminded that I can’t fight.  But, I’m also enjoying the break.  I actually feel a lot calmer away from Facebook.
Now, maybe social platforms are changing, as they often do… but whilst I miss the people I don’t miss the platform currently.
Maybe this is just me trying to empty my brain ahead of whatever comes next.  It’s been pointed out to me that I’m an overthinker, so perhaps now, where I’m trying to gather ideas for a new project, my retraction from the world is about creating the space for those ideas to flourish.  I’m genuinely interested in seeing how that plays out with future books.
In the past, when things like this have happened, it’s because I’ve been down, wanting to hide away.  It’s not like that this time.  I’m feeling incredibly calm right now… ridiculously so… and perhaps that’s why I’m feeling lazy.
Things are getting done, work’s being completed… but there doesn’t seem the panic surrounding it that there once was.  I’m accepting of the process, understand that it’s a journey, and not willing the destination into view.  Deep down, I know that if I put one foot in front of the other, I’ll get there.
So the fact I need to take time out of swordfighting, whilst frustrating, isn’t something that will ultimately matter.  I’ll be back at it when I’m ready and I’ll continue to progress.  There’s nothing I can do about the finger to make it heal faster, I just have to let it heal.
But then… I’ve still not sorted out what I’m doing about storm chasing this year.  Part of me is wondering whether to take a year off for financial reasons.  It ain’t cheap to do, and each year it’s eaten a little into my savings.  Maybe if I gave this year a miss, I could build those back up.
And this is what bothers me deep down.  There’s part of me, that whilst I like this sense of contentment I currently find myself in, worries where the fire has gone.
Perhaps I’m exhausted, perhaps I need a year away from pushing myself to the extreme to just concentrate on what I have currently and moving them forward at a sane pace.  This is year is about priorities, right?
I both like and hate that I’m so relaxed right now.  Perhaps I’ll wait until the finger heals and then reassess.  Because if I could be this relaxed about my work and still motivate myself, then I’d be in a really good place going forwards.
If you want to follow more of my journey, then be sure to check me on my social channels.  Likewise, if you’d like me to expand on any point mentioned above, please say so in the comments.

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