Saturday 13th January 2018

I’ve not really been in the mood to be sociable today.  A combination of factors have sent my anxiety sky high and it was only as I prepare to go to bed that I realise that  I’ve been having an anxiety attack for the past three days.
I’ve been trying to keep myself busy though.    My mind is always racing and over-analysing but at the moment it feels like it’s on speed.  I just can’t shut it up.
I did go to a swordfighting seminar for most of the day and I’m glad I did.  I’ll admit it was a bit of a struggle.  My head is racing so much that it really doesn’t have the room for much social interaction.
The seminar was on rapier and taught by one of the school’s original instructors.  He’d left by the time I’d got to a level where he’d be teaching me, but I’ve done a few seminars with him and always found him a good teacher.
It was difficult to focus and as a result a lot of my form was off.  Some of this could be because it’s been a month since I last did things with rapier & dagger.  But I picked up a few useful bits and hope to incorporate them into my fighting going forwards.
I never went to the pub afterwards.  I’m just not feeling very sociable at the moment.
Instead I stopped off at my parents to drop off a few presents for my brother’s birthday.  When I bought the Shadows of Brimstone Minecart I always told him that he could have a couple of bits as his birthday present for this year and for next.  So one present was a year late, but I hope he thinks it was worth the wait.
I didn’t stop.  Again my anxiety wasn’t wanting me to be sociable.  Besides, it was a long drive home.
I dove back into the edits this evening.  I only had a few chapters left to do so I worked through those.  It took my mind off things so I welcomed the distraction it provided.
I’m still not sure about the final scenes.  This book does something interesting and subverts a lot of expectations.  I’m not sure whether it makes for an interesting ending or a ruined one.
I now have a couple of pages of notes to go over and make minor adjustments.  Then it’s off to Kate to beta read.  I have no idea how long those are going to take, but it should mean that the beta draft will be ready.
Unfortunately this proved only a temporary rest bite as my racing mind came back with force.  What with friends ill, work stress and impatience over the first book, it’s all boiled up into something where I’m overthinking everything.  Mentally, I know I need to take a step back but I don’t seem to be able to stop myself.
I’m sure I’ll feel better in a few days but the more I think about it, I’ve not felt well for a month or so.  I can usually function through my anxiety, and the fact that I’ve spotted an anxiety attack is usually a sign of it starting to subside.
I just hope I’m able to sleep.
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