Saturday 16th December 2017

This is supposed to be the year of the offensive, but this last week it’s really felt like the year of frustration.

Perhaps I’m being a little unfair here.    I’ve really pushed myself this year, documenting everything I’ve been doing to try and move various elements of my life forwards.

But I end the year feeling so unaccomplished.  I’ve produced some of the best writing I’ve ever made and yet the book seems no nearer to publication.  I’ve trained harder at swordfighting than ever before and yet the end of year has seem my worst performance in over a year.  I’ve actually made an effort to be more social and yet my personal life is a bit of a shambles right now.

Nothing is terrible.  Book 2 is being edited before book 1 is even sold.  I’ve won 2 medals this year.  And you know, I’ve met some incredible new people.

But there’s no doubt that I end the year feeling totally frustrated.  A lot of it has to do with fatigue from tournaments… but there’s a part of me that still feels I have nothing to show for all this work this year.  I’ve worked my arse off on a number of front this year and have none of the rewards.

Deep down, I know I just need to be patient, that I’m doing everything I possibly can to succeed.  This is the tough bit where the sane give up and those that succeed suffer.  To quote The Dark Knight, “It’s always darkest just before the dawn”.

But still, I’m not going to lie and say it’s easy.  It’s far from it.  It just feels like every aspect of my life has come to a grinding halt.  Or worse, gone backwards.

As you know instead of  New Year’s Resolutions I give my year’s a theme.  The Year of Hard Work was all about maximising my output and saw me write a ridiculous number of words.  The Year of the Offensive was all about me being an active part of my success.  And next year?

I honestly have no idea.  At the moment, I feel I want to rename this year the Year of Frustration, but I know I’m just being negative due to feeling so run down.  It’s part of the reason I’ve taken this last week off and just ate badly and tried to relax.

But I need to start thinking about what I want to accomplish next year.  Will next year be the Year of Rewards or the Year of Giving Up?  I need to be in the right frame of mind to do this.  I just need one piece of good news to lift me up.

My plan was always to have a number of things on the go so that if I was frustrated with, say, the swordfighting, I had the writing to buoy me.  Yet, it just seems I’ve hit a low on all of them simultaneously.

There’s a large part of me that thinks I should just take the rest of the year off and start afresh next year, but yet there’s part of me that’s determined not to end the year on a downer.

If you want to follow more of my journey, then be sure to check me on my social channels.  Likewise, if you’d like me to expand on any point mentioned above, please say so in the comments.

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