I’m not entirely sure what happened, but I think all this Bankrupt Nihilism talk brought things to a head.
It could be some of the things I’ve been doing in the Geocaching world have taken a priority (such as my new Geocaching blog Crackcacher or my 6000th milestone find) have distracted me temporarily, but I honestly don’t think it’s that.
I think I reached a stage where partly through enjoyable debate with people I like, partly through frustration of genre’s lack of respect for their forefathers, I suddenly knew who I was and where I stood.
One of the things my lack of self-confidence produces is the need for validation, both of my approach to fantasy and my actual skill as a writer. But here I was thinking “bollocks” to it.
I know what I want to achieve, I think it blends elements I love about traditional fantasy with some new and exciting things. It’s not what other people are doing. That’s always been the fear and worry – that I somehow wasn’t doing it properly. I realised I needed to stop worrying about whether it was valid or not. That’s just stupid.
These debates made me realise that I do know what I’m talking about. I’m certainly not infallible and I still have much to learn, but that doesn’t invalidate what I’m writing about.
And for some reason, I realised I needed a week or two time out. Possibly just to see whether this was a temporary thing or not, a passing mood. Yet, ten days on or so and I do feel I’ve grown in confidence.
Of course, I do realise all this could be a diversionary tactics from finishing the last chapter and a half of revisions. Maybe, but I can afford that time right now, so perhaps the little break has done me some good.